Saturday, May 26, 2012
New eyes see old pains
What is life? A long road that can be cut short in an instant. To me Death is something to fear and hide from, hoping you get to live till you are a very old person. I'm also not someone who is sure that there is a higher power. I want to, i really want to believe that there is a God. I wish He could show me if he was. Thats what i don't understand. It doesn't remove free will to prove you exist to someone who is in a spiritual and emotional crisis. I desperately need a sign that something more is out there. That there is somewhere free of pain and hatred after death. That in the end we all get to move on into a place that is free from evil and hatred. From people that seek to harm and destroy. Somewhere peaceful. But until i get to the brink between life and death or cross it to true death, i'll probably never know whats waiting. And that scares me to no end. The Unknown is worse then not knowing. Such fear. Such sorrow. Not having something predicted or in my control truly frightens me. When will i see my end? And will i whimper when the time comes? I think i will. I have no courage in the face of death. And i will die a coward, afraid and in pain. I'm so scared to be mortal. If only i could see what i want to see before the time comes. I want to see the stars. Travel to distant worlds and FINALLY see the other races that i believe exist in the universe. My hope for my future is that an alien race visits us and takes pity on the silly humans. Changes our world forever and gives us the ability to travel faster then light and see other worlds. Colonize other worlds. I hope they see us and hear us. I hope they come and save us. PLEASE SAVE US!! Humanity is doomed to forever walk this world and die with it. Or die before it. The Earth is dying and we do nothing to save her. I'm so afraid and lost. So scared.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Shredded soul and blackened eyes
How angry can one person feel? How much despair before you just want the end to come swiftly? I think i may find that very soon. My mother says its just envy but it feels so much deeper then that. I HATE people for getting things handed to them when i cannot afford and parents cannot afford to give me what i want. YES i want a big wedding but i know it will never happen with my parents finances. My FSIL gets a huge fucking blowout and a fucking $1000 dress. Like what the fuck!??? she isn't working or helping pay?!! why the fuck is everything so much harder for me goddammit!! WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN CARE!!! I get married this year irregardless! I have to wait for a party just to make a fucking compromise!!!! I just want to scream till i'm hoarse then scream until i lose my voice. I want to slash my wrists to see the blood flow and feel the pain. I wish i could commit suicide sometimes just to end the angry, envy, anguish, pain, hatred. What the fuck is the point to living when everything is a struggle and everyone else gets what they fucking want on a goddamn platter. I hate fucking living where i get to watch EVERYONE ELSE get what i fucking want. I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everythingI hate everythingI hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everythingI hate everything I hate everythingI hate everything I hate everything !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Warm Heart and Sound Mind
Today is an odd day in a life with chronic depression. I start my new job on the 30th of this month and i also will be starting school sometime in June. I really want to be a vet assistant. I may shop around and look for other schools for the other degrees i'd possible want. But i really love animals and figure i'd be passionate and actually like going to work. I got some time before i have to commit but it has to be online or a close trade school. But things seem to be looking up for the time being.
This post is short and just an update of some of the good things happening right now.Right now i have nothing to be depressed about. But that quickly can change as always
This post is short and just an update of some of the good things happening right now.Right now i have nothing to be depressed about. But that quickly can change as always
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Cold Eyes See Nothing
As always my hope remains dashed for children as Mother Nature shows up late as usual and makes her grand entrance. The pain in my lower abdomen is very strong and seems nausea is its constant companion. I've been wanting children since i was 16 years old. I'll be one of the ones that will be unable to conceive, i just know it. Then my life will true be devoid of meaning. I'd adopt but my issue with that is i want a child that looks like me, to enjoy the big belly, and feel him/her kick me. To create a life within me. To lose such a privilege would kill me. I don't get the logic in allowing undeserving parents just look at each other and all of sudden pregnant with twins. Why must it be such a struggle for me? I know i deserve a child. My own flesh and blood. But others just have it so easy with pregnancy. I feel anger and hatred towards anyone that can concieve with just a thought. It's certainly not right of me. I know it and i hate the way it feels. Seems when i want something so badly, someone else gets it first. And it feels rubbed in every minute of everyday, even when its not being mentioned.
Marriage is the same damn thing. I've been with the same man more or less for 6 years next month. But those who do not know each other nearly as well or dating not even half as long, get married and have a big wedding. It shouldn't make me angry, it shouldn't make it hurt. But it does. It's like a knife twisted open a gaping wood and salt is continually rubbed into it for days. Why does it feel like the world is ending on me? Why is the jealous and anger hollowing me out? Why do i wish ill will on everyone experiencing what i desperately wish for? I really cannot say. Its feelings i cannot speak aloud because it will cause offense and hurt feelings. People seem to think you can control it, that your just being unreasonable and hateful because something good is happening to someone else. That its only jealousy not feelings that are out of control because of depression. That you want to control it but know its nearly impossible. When a feeling is so deep and intense that you feel suffocated and weakened by it. I wish people could understand the depth of my feelings and my utter hatred to myself for hating people for good things that are happening to them. I'll be ostracized and looked down on because of my inability to show happiness or caring for others. I cannot try anymore to be happy when it kills me inside.
I know i have something wrong with me. Something in my head that keeps me from being a kind and truly loving individual. It affects my life, my relationship, and relationships with people within my family. It makes me feel outside of events and the lack of control makes me dizzy. I despise things out of my control. I like it ordered and in the right sequence. These feelings make me out to be the worst person in the world but if i could flip a switch and make it different, i would. I in fact plead and cry with myself to see reason but its something beyond my control which really drives me up a wall. No one that has what i want, is someone i hate or wish to hurt. I just have to throw my feelings somewhere and this is the best place. Keeping it inside is just killing me. Everyday i feel my emotions gain a stronger foothold and the feelings i experience just gain more power of me. I have to find a solution. Doing it on my own just doesn't cut it.
My only solace is in my fiance and my pain in the ass cat. I admit my anger gets the best of me when he just tears up things but more often then not i truly love the cat. He has such a sweet heart. He doesn't understand why i yell at him over something that he thinks is a toy. I just have to learn patience and love with him. Hopefully when i see my therapist(very soon) and start going regularly, that i will gain ground against my anger and impatience. Against my rage and jealousy. Maybe i'll find some peace and move my life forward. One good thing about today, is i'm making homemade soup. Cooking, baking and cleaning brings me some peace. Making everything around me tidy and organized seems to calm me. Weird i know but having some control in determining my life helps.
For anyone that i might know that reads this, this is not meant to hurt or offend. I love everyone in my family and my tiny group of friends. Do not take anything personally especially from me. These are feelings i just cannot control but my time is coming. I will be getting help and hopefully a lot of it. Only so long before i'd crack and piss off a lot of people with my strong feelings. So disarming my anger and sadness before it gets too strong is the best solution.
Marriage is the same damn thing. I've been with the same man more or less for 6 years next month. But those who do not know each other nearly as well or dating not even half as long, get married and have a big wedding. It shouldn't make me angry, it shouldn't make it hurt. But it does. It's like a knife twisted open a gaping wood and salt is continually rubbed into it for days. Why does it feel like the world is ending on me? Why is the jealous and anger hollowing me out? Why do i wish ill will on everyone experiencing what i desperately wish for? I really cannot say. Its feelings i cannot speak aloud because it will cause offense and hurt feelings. People seem to think you can control it, that your just being unreasonable and hateful because something good is happening to someone else. That its only jealousy not feelings that are out of control because of depression. That you want to control it but know its nearly impossible. When a feeling is so deep and intense that you feel suffocated and weakened by it. I wish people could understand the depth of my feelings and my utter hatred to myself for hating people for good things that are happening to them. I'll be ostracized and looked down on because of my inability to show happiness or caring for others. I cannot try anymore to be happy when it kills me inside.
I know i have something wrong with me. Something in my head that keeps me from being a kind and truly loving individual. It affects my life, my relationship, and relationships with people within my family. It makes me feel outside of events and the lack of control makes me dizzy. I despise things out of my control. I like it ordered and in the right sequence. These feelings make me out to be the worst person in the world but if i could flip a switch and make it different, i would. I in fact plead and cry with myself to see reason but its something beyond my control which really drives me up a wall. No one that has what i want, is someone i hate or wish to hurt. I just have to throw my feelings somewhere and this is the best place. Keeping it inside is just killing me. Everyday i feel my emotions gain a stronger foothold and the feelings i experience just gain more power of me. I have to find a solution. Doing it on my own just doesn't cut it.
My only solace is in my fiance and my pain in the ass cat. I admit my anger gets the best of me when he just tears up things but more often then not i truly love the cat. He has such a sweet heart. He doesn't understand why i yell at him over something that he thinks is a toy. I just have to learn patience and love with him. Hopefully when i see my therapist(very soon) and start going regularly, that i will gain ground against my anger and impatience. Against my rage and jealousy. Maybe i'll find some peace and move my life forward. One good thing about today, is i'm making homemade soup. Cooking, baking and cleaning brings me some peace. Making everything around me tidy and organized seems to calm me. Weird i know but having some control in determining my life helps.
For anyone that i might know that reads this, this is not meant to hurt or offend. I love everyone in my family and my tiny group of friends. Do not take anything personally especially from me. These are feelings i just cannot control but my time is coming. I will be getting help and hopefully a lot of it. Only so long before i'd crack and piss off a lot of people with my strong feelings. So disarming my anger and sadness before it gets too strong is the best solution.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Darkness of My Heart
My heart is pure darkness
With my mind being pulled astray
My heart is a black hole
Pulling light, hope, and love
Crushing them in suffocating blackness
My heart is evil
Begging for homicidal pleasure
My heart is a maelstrom
Swirling black waters that drown and destroy everything in its wake
My heart is treacherous
Fooling my mind into following its instruction
My heart is pure darkness
Where trust is but a ruse to pull you in
And never release you
With my mind being pulled astray
My heart is a black hole
Pulling light, hope, and love
Crushing them in suffocating blackness
My heart is evil
Begging for homicidal pleasure
My heart is a maelstrom
Swirling black waters that drown and destroy everything in its wake
My heart is treacherous
Fooling my mind into following its instruction
My heart is pure darkness
Where trust is but a ruse to pull you in
And never release you
The Begining of the struggle to be.....
This blog is to share with whoever cares to read it about my daily struggles with depression, feelings of worthlessness and despair. But i also will add daily things i succeeded or accomplished that make me feel better about myself.
Everything i do, i try to do as a selfless and caring person. But with this, i find that i am just as petty and ridiculous as the most lowly human being. I find my increasing lack of empathy and happiness at other peoples accomplishments and life events, to be utterly diminishing to the point of queen bitchdom. Right now i am unemployed and my feelings of uselessness are strong. The depression just kicks when i'm laying on the ground. And everyday it gets stronger. The feeling i'll never care about anyone just nags at me and eats away at the little hope i'm holding.
My only hope is this blog will be a place to throw all feelins of anger, hatred and negativity so i can move on and have some happiness. Thanks to everyone who may read this in advance and my hope is you will read on as i post more this week.
Everything i do, i try to do as a selfless and caring person. But with this, i find that i am just as petty and ridiculous as the most lowly human being. I find my increasing lack of empathy and happiness at other peoples accomplishments and life events, to be utterly diminishing to the point of queen bitchdom. Right now i am unemployed and my feelings of uselessness are strong. The depression just kicks when i'm laying on the ground. And everyday it gets stronger. The feeling i'll never care about anyone just nags at me and eats away at the little hope i'm holding.
My only hope is this blog will be a place to throw all feelins of anger, hatred and negativity so i can move on and have some happiness. Thanks to everyone who may read this in advance and my hope is you will read on as i post more this week.
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