Shredded soul and blackened eyes

How angry can one person feel? How much despair before you just want the end to come swiftly? I think i may find that very soon. My mother says its just envy but it feels so much deeper then that. I HATE people for getting things handed to them when i cannot afford and parents cannot afford to give me what i want. YES i want a big wedding but i know it will never happen with my parents finances. My FSIL gets a huge fucking blowout and a fucking $1000 dress.  Like what the fuck!??? she isn't working or helping pay?!! why the fuck is everything so much harder for me goddammit!! WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN CARE!!! I get married this year irregardless! I have to wait for a party just to make a fucking compromise!!!! I just want to scream till i'm hoarse then scream until i lose my voice. I want to slash my wrists to see the blood flow and feel the pain. I wish i could commit suicide sometimes just to end the angry, envy, anguish, pain, hatred. What the fuck is the point to living when everything is a struggle and everyone else gets what they fucking want on a goddamn platter. I hate fucking living where i get to watch EVERYONE ELSE get what i fucking want. I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everythingI hate everythingI hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything  I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything I hate everythingI hate everything I hate everythingI hate everything I hate everything !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!