As always my hope remains dashed for children as Mother Nature shows up late as usual and makes her grand entrance. The pain in my lower abdomen is very strong and seems nausea is its constant companion. I've been wanting children since i was 16 years old. I'll be one of the ones that will be unable to conceive, i just know it. Then my life will true be devoid of meaning. I'd adopt but my issue with that is i want a child that looks like me, to enjoy the big belly, and feel him/her kick me. To create a life within me. To lose such a privilege would kill me. I don't get the logic in allowing undeserving parents just look at each other and all of sudden pregnant with twins. Why must it be such a struggle for me? I know i deserve a child. My own flesh and blood. But others just have it so easy with pregnancy. I feel anger and hatred towards anyone that can concieve with just a thought. It's certainly not right of me. I know it and i hate the way it feels. Seems when i want something so badly, someone else gets it first. And it feels rubbed in every minute of everyday, even when its not being mentioned.
Marriage is the same damn thing. I've been with the same man more or less for 6 years next month. But those who do not know each other nearly as well or dating not even half as long, get married and have a big wedding. It shouldn't make me angry, it shouldn't make it hurt. But it does. It's like a knife twisted open a gaping wood and salt is continually rubbed into it for days. Why does it feel like the world is ending on me? Why is the jealous and anger hollowing me out? Why do i wish ill will on everyone experiencing what i desperately wish for? I really cannot say. Its feelings i cannot speak aloud because it will cause offense and hurt feelings. People seem to think you can control it, that your just being unreasonable and hateful because something good is happening to someone else. That its only jealousy not feelings that are out of control because of depression. That you want to control it but know its nearly impossible. When a feeling is so deep and intense that you feel suffocated and weakened by it. I wish people could understand the depth of my feelings and my utter hatred to myself for hating people for good things that are happening to them. I'll be ostracized and looked down on because of my inability to show happiness or caring for others. I cannot try anymore to be happy when it kills me inside.
I know i have something wrong with me. Something in my head that keeps me from being a kind and truly loving individual. It affects my life, my relationship, and relationships with people within my family. It makes me feel outside of events and the lack of control makes me dizzy. I despise things out of my control. I like it ordered and in the right sequence. These feelings make me out to be the worst person in the world but if i could flip a switch and make it different, i would. I in fact plead and cry with myself to see reason but its something beyond my control which really drives me up a wall. No one that has what i want, is someone i hate or wish to hurt. I just have to throw my feelings somewhere and this is the best place. Keeping it inside is just killing me. Everyday i feel my emotions gain a stronger foothold and the feelings i experience just gain more power of me. I have to find a solution. Doing it on my own just doesn't cut it.
My only solace is in my fiance and my pain in the ass cat. I admit my anger gets the best of me when he just tears up things but more often then not i truly love the cat. He has such a sweet heart. He doesn't understand why i yell at him over something that he thinks is a toy. I just have to learn patience and love with him. Hopefully when i see my therapist(very soon) and start going regularly, that i will gain ground against my anger and impatience. Against my rage and jealousy. Maybe i'll find some peace and move my life forward. One good thing about today, is i'm making homemade soup. Cooking, baking and cleaning brings me some peace. Making everything around me tidy and organized seems to calm me. Weird i know but having some control in determining my life helps.
For anyone that i might know that reads this, this is not meant to hurt or offend. I love everyone in my family and my tiny group of friends. Do not take anything personally especially from me. These are feelings i just cannot control but my time is coming. I will be getting help and hopefully a lot of it. Only so long before i'd crack and piss off a lot of people with my strong feelings. So disarming my anger and sadness before it gets too strong is the best solution.
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